


First Name Star, Last Name Lord

by Basingstoke



Series: Unfinished WIP clearinghouse [16]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 05:54:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17218253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Basingstoke/pseuds/Basingstoke
Summary: In which the Guardians land on earth.





	First Name Star, Last Name Lord

And then a spaceship landed in Iowa. "Looks like a Winnebago," Tony said, and Bruce had to agree. It definitely didn't look Chitauri. It was dusty and battered and some of the parts didn't match. 

"Really wish Thor was here," Natasha said. "Identifying and speaking with aliens...this could get messy." 

"We're pretty good at the universal language of get-off-my-lawn," Clint said. 

News, police, and the fire department got there first. The spaceship was just sitting there, not attacking, which was a relief. "We'll go in with the assumption that they're friendly. Be prepared in case they're not, though," Steve said, looking at Bruce. 

"Always," Natasha said. 

"Prepping an EMP arrow. Code word is 'shortout,' Stark," Clint said. 

"Please, I'm shielded. I don't make the same mistake twice." 

"All right. Stark, you're up front with me. We'll talk. Hopefully between the two of us we can figure out what they want." 

Bruce watched the two of them walk out. "That ass," Natasha sighed, making cupping gestures at Steve's rear. 

"Bruh," Clint said. 

"What? I'm ovulating. It's biological." 

"It's also a really great ass," Bruce said. 

"Thanks," Cap said over the communicator. "Can we have radio silence?"

Natasha glared at Bruce. "I was on silent." 

"Not sorry," Bruce said, smirking. 

"Excuse me, eyes on _my_ ass, thanks so much," Tony said. He flew up to the viewscreen of the spaceship. "Hi," he said, waving.

Some kind of speaker turned on. "Hi. Can you guys stop pointing guns at us?" It sounded like English. Maybe Allspeech?

"No guns. I have a robot suit, he has a shield."

"No, the other guys." 

Cap looked to the police. "Fellas, can you lower your rifles? You're making our guests nervous."

And, because Cap possessed plus twenty charisma, they _did_. They backed up a bit, giving Steve and Tony room to talk. 

"Welcome to Earth," Cap said. "What brings you here?" 

"Ahhh...wrong turn at Jewel Cluster, we'll just refuel and go--ow! Ow! Ow, stop hitting me!" 

A woman's voice broke in. "Peter seeks his family. He was stolen as a boy from this planet. As well, we believe another of our company originates from this sector." 

"There's no such thing as a raccoon!" another male voice said. 

"Yes there is! They look just like you!" the first man said. "Yeah, so I'm looking for my grandfather, if he's still alive, and my uncle." 

"Sure," Tony said. "We can also get you a raccoon. Talking to a wildlife rescue now." 

"Is that wise?" Natasha asked. 

"Talking raccoon?" Clint asked. 

"Team, exit the jet. The guests are coming down from the ship." 

First off the ship was a young-looking white man. A green woman stood beside him with one of his arms in a death grip. Next to her, a shirtless gray man with Day of the Dead-style tattoos. 

Then, a raccoon holding a potted plant. "Huh," Bruce said. 

"I am Groot," the plant said in a high voice. It blinked at them. 

"The plant speaks English? Do you have a universal translator?" Tony started. He visibly restrained himself. Bruce was with him, though, he'd always wanted a translation implant. 

The white man shrugged out of the green woman's grip. "So, is this how people dress now? I like it. Um, I'm Starlord--" 

"He is Peter Quill," the woman said. 

"I am Groot," the plant said again. 

"Sure, buddy," the raccoon said, and bent down to put the pot on the ground. The plant climbed out and dug its little roots into the soil. It smiled. 

Steve blinked at it. "My name is Steve Rogers." 

"Why are you dressed like Captain America, though?" Quill asked. 

"Because I am Captain America. This is Tony--" 

"Peter Quill, reported missing in 1988 by his grandfather Charles Quill. Facial recognition matches your missing photo. He's still alive, b-t-dub. Lives in Kansas City," Tony said.

"Oh. Great," Quill said. He didn't look happy. He looked more like he was going to throw up. 

"I'll call him." 

"No, wait, uh, that can--" 

"Already ringing," Tony said. "Hi, is this Charles Quill? First of all, this is not a prank. Turn on..." He turned around. "CNN. You, zoom in on me. So this is Iron Man. See me? I'm going to wave." He waved. "Your grandson was abducted by aliens. He's okay; he just came back. One second and I'll put him on." Tony took off his helmet. "Stick this on your head," he told Quill. 

Quill's knees buckled and he sat down on the ground hard. The green woman took the helmet and placed it on his head. 

"You're a dick," Bruce told Tony.

Tony shrugged. "Had to rip the Band-Aid off." 

The little plant shuffled over, leaving a trail of upturned earth behind him, and hugged Quill's knee. It was adorable, so Bruce suspected a trap. The green woman looked at Bruce like she suspected a trap too. 

"Are you the warlord of this place?" the gray man asked Steve. 

"No," Steve said, at the same time that Bruce said "Yes." They looked at each other. 

"We don't use that word," Bruce said, "but yes, he is, and we are primary among his soldiers." Steve had the army behind him, the police, the National Guard. He was a warlord, whether or not he wanted to be. 

"He was taken from this place and did not abandon it," the gray man said. "I would ask that you not punish him." 

"We don't punish people for that. Only for hurting others." Steve sounded sincere, though Bruce knew he wasn't that naive. He thought Steve meant, maybe, that nobody would be hurting Quill while Steve was around. 

"I am Drax the Destroyer. This is Gamora, and this is Rocket." 

"I am Groot," the plant said into Quill's knee. 

"We are free citizens, beholden to no lord and speaking for noone but ourselves. Though I am told that Rocket's people live here as well, so perhaps that is not the case." 

"I am not a fucking raccoon!" the raccoon yelled. He was loud for such a little creature. 

"Earth raccoons don't talk, so, I think I agree," Bruce said. 

Quill took the helmet off and tears were running down his face. "He wants to see me," he said. "Do, um. Do we have spaceports yet?" He rubbed his face with his sleeve. Tony took the helmet back. 

"We could not see any port facilities," Gamora said. 

"Not exactly," Cap said. 

"Also, the FAA has closed air space over this area, so if either of us takes off, we'll get shot down. Getting Pepper on it," Tony said. He put his helmet back on. 

Quill was visibly struggling not to cry, but his chest shook convulsively and he sniffed back a sob. Gamora looked up at the sky and scowled. 

"We took on Ronan the Accuser, I think we can take some Earth ships. Let's go," Rocket said. He was glaring at everyone in general. 

"We can solve this peacefully," Steve said. 

"Sure. I can fly down and pick up Grandpa in my Porsche," Tony said. 

"I can fly," Quill said. "How far?" He scrambled to his feet. He touched his ear and a helmet formed over his face. Groot let his knee go. "What direction? Where are we?" 

"About 150 miles down I-35, but--hey!" Tony yelled as Quill took off. "I didn't give you the address!" He shook his head and took off. 

The rest of them looked at each other. So awkward. Natasha was eyeing Gamora up and down. Steve was giving Drax pretty much the same look. 

"So, there's a diner up the highway a little. Yo, can someone give us a lift?" Clint said to the reporters. 

A woman from the local NBC station raised her hand. "We will!" 

*

The Family Table diner pushed a table onto a booth to make a space large enough for them. 

"They have all day breakfast," Clint sighed. 

"Do they have breakfast burritos? I love breakfast burritos," Steve said, examining the menu. 

"And we are welcome here despite the fact that we are not a family?" Drax asked. 

"It means they treat you like family," Natasha said. 

"That is...very pleasing," Drax said. "I have not been home for a very long time." 

Rocket adjusted Groot in his pot in the diner window. "I want liquor. Get me some liquor." 

"No liquor here," Steve said. "Milk?" 

"Milk is for babies. What's strong?" 

"Coffee," Bruce said. "It's full of caffeine." 

"Caffeine is for kids. I want a slab of meat." 

"Steak," Bruce said. 

"They have pancakes with bacon in them," Clint said dreamily. "I love this place." 

"Bacon? I don't know that word," Drax said. 

"Bacon is...wonderful," Clint said. 

"What is it made from?" 

"Uh. Pig?" Clint looked at Natasha. 

Natasha looked at Clint. "Shouldn't you know this? This is your turf." 

"I know corn, not pigs." 

"Do pigs speak?" Drax asked. 

"They oink," Natasha said. 

"I do not eat anything that speaks, neither animal nor plant. Please, can you guide me to a dish made from unspeaking plants?" 

"I share Drax's preferences," Gamora said. "I have seen too much violence." 

"That's a good principle

"I still want steak," Rocket said. 

The diner staff were in the corner, conferring. It looked like they were playing rock-paper-scissors to see who had to wait on them. The rest of the diner was full of media and local police. The media were being pretty respectful, though, for media. Steve guessed that the aliens helped. 

A waitress shook her head and slapped the other two waitresses on the butt before walking over to the table. She was older, maybe sixty, with big jet black hair and sensible shoes. "Hi there. I'm Pam and I'll take care of you today. Do you all speak English?" she asked. 

"No," Gamora said, narrowing her eyes.

"We can all understand you, ma'am," Steve said. "We'd like a pitcher of water and a jug of coffee for the table, and I think we're ready to order, actually."

"Sure thing." She put pen to paper and raised her eyebrows. 

"For Rocket--" Steve gestured. "Steak and two eggs. For the rest of us, pancakes and fresh fruit." 

"I am Groot?" Groot said. 

"Groot wants some bugs," Rocket said. 

"We don't serve bugs," Pam said, "but Charlie has live crickets at the bait store. Kelly!" She turned and called to one of the younger waitresses. 

"Yeah, Pam?" 

"Go on down to Charlie's and pick up some crickets, would you?" 

The girl looked baffled. "I suppose?" She set off right away, though. 

"Thank you, ma'am," Steve said. 

"Well, sure! What would my daddy say if I didn't help Captain America entertain? We'll have the rest out in no time." Pam pocketed her pen and paper and headed back to the kitchen. 

*

**Author's Note:**

> I kept this around for ages but then Quill was a dicklord in Infinity War and now I don’t want to hear any more about his feelings ok. So I’ll post this here.


End file.
